microwaveable march madness…

March 22, 2009

so recently there was a big argument over which microwavable snack was better… pizza rolls or bagel bites… and after a long discussion it was suggested that a bracket be made… so here it is… microwaveable march madness…

now to set this up i should explain that this will be a relatively small bracket (8 late night microwaveable snacks)… there are two regions (parma and bedford… if you are wondering why parma and bedford it is because these are the two places in which most of my late night snacking experience has taken place)… each region has 4 seeds and here we go…

Parma Region

1 pizza rolls vs. 4 hot pockets

at first glance these two items can seem very similar… but once you take a closer look you see that this isn’t even close… now hot pockets are good… if you’re into the world’s worst mystery meat paste surrounded by a horrible attempt at a calzone crust… let’s just leave hot pockets to those people that are looking to eat someone elses pizza vomit wrapped in dough… pizza rolls advance easily…

2 ramen noodles vs. 3 micro magic french fries

ramen noodles (pronounced ray-min) is a college favorite… a potential number one seed when you think about it’s multiple uses in things such as aunt jos’s oriental chicken salad (at which point it’s pronounced rah-men)… and let’s face it… who hasn’t had ramen noodles?… they’re popularity is not even close to matched by micro magic… but does that give them the win?… i say no… you see there’s something to be said for the pure simple magic of microwaveable french fries that come out slightly crispy… how they are not soft and mushy i have no idea… it’s like a small miracle every time these tasty treats are made… and that’s why micro magic pulls the upset and moves on to the next round…

Bedford Region

1 popcorn vs. 4 chicken nuggets

now chicken nuggets are good… even great when done right… but that’s the problem right there… they have to be done right… for the chicken nuggets to have the full effect they should really be cooked in the oven… therefore they pale in comparison to maybe the most popular microwaveable snack of all time… popcorn cruises on…

2 bagel bites vs. 3 easy mac

at one point these seeds may have been switched… easy mac was really popular for a while… but then people wised up and realized that this mac’n’cheese was not even close to the stuff they were cooking in five minutes on the stove… so easy mac has got the blues… the kraft macaroni and cheese blues… but they get no blue ribbon… bagel bites move on…

Round 2

Parma Region

1 pizza rolls vs. 3 micro magic french fries

i feel compelled to eliminate micro magic right now due to the fact that i don’t feel like typing their name anymore… but that would be as dirty as giving rasheed wallace a tech because you’re sick of looking at that stupid spot in his hair… so here’s the real reason micro magic bites the dust… they’re taking on pizza rolls… the power house of microwaveable snacks… and no matter how much magic these french fries can muster up they won’t have the taste texture or sex appeal of those tiny little pizza pillows… pizza rolls roll on to the ‘ship…

Bedford Region

1 popcorn vs. 2 bagel bites

popcorn is arguable the most popular microwave snack there is… it’s in nearly every household and the only snack on our list to be sold at movie theaters (if someone has proof of one of the other items being sold at a movie theater i would love to see it and accompany them on an easy mac ‘n’ movie date)… but there’s a downside to popcorn too… the kernels reek all kind of havoc on your mouth… and on your psyche if you’re like me and see each unpopped kernel as a missed opportunity… so while popcorn may be the most popular microwave snack of all time the bagel bites take down the top seed and advance to the finals…


pizza rolls vs. bagel bites

here it is… the match-up everyone’s been waiting for… the best of the best in pizza snacking (putting to shame pizza pringles and pizza combos)… these delectable delicacies of the dorks each have paid their dues to get here… so lets start with bagel bites… these bad boys are known for their tough texture which is made possible by the nifty little make-shift rack that comes standard with every package sold… and lets face it… everyone knows that you can have pizza in the morning… pizza in the evenin’… pizza at supper time… cuz when pizza’s on a bagel… you can eat pizza anytime… but why would you want to eat pizza bagels when you have access to pizza rolls… these midnight micro meals bring with them an addictive taste unmatched by any other microwaveable snack… the corners of their crust alone can have Pavlovian effects on even the strongest willed consumer (and anyone who has had a pizza roll knows this because there is no better way to avoid the magma like filling of a pizza pocket than to nibble at the corners)… so when it comes down to it the superior taste, texture, look, and microwave-ability all belong to pizza rolls… our champion of Microwaveable March Madness… and if you have a problem with that you can stick it in your microwave and nuke it…


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